97 Things Never To Say To A Woman

What you get when you don't listen!
We told you not to say it!

I started jotting these down one day, and ended up with this whole list! I’m sure many people have learned why not to the hard way. Trust me, avoid all of them, especially if you’re a guy!

  1. Say…has your butt gotten bigger, or is it just your clothes making it look so huge?
  1. Did you know that expensive lotion you buy works great for lubing the mower?
  1. I told my mother you’d be glad to clean her house.
  1. You should watch that new cooking show. Really, you should!
  1. I think the dog crapped in the house…see if you can find it and clean it up.
  1. I don’t see why you waste all that time shaving.
  1. I like that perfume…it reminds me of our cute young secretary at work…
  1. If I had the money, I’d pay for a boob job for you.
  1. Maybe I should get a mistress?
  1. I’m sure glad you don’t suck as bad as all your relatives.
  1. Why is sex such a big deal? You can just lie there and rest.
  1. Would you be more interested if I paid you to do it?
  1. You act just like your mother!
  1. You don’t need to be all dolled up to have sex…I’m not thinking of you anyway…
  1. Maybe we should wait to redecorate until we can hire a professional.
  1. Do what you want…I’m never here anyway.
  1. If we have a daughter, I hope she has your boobs and my brain.
  1. Why are chores such a big deal? It’s not like you’ve got more important things to do…
  1. Face it, you aren’t eighteen anymore…things were bound to sag and go to hell.
  1. Don’t fret about your appearance, I’m fine with you. Besides, I’ve got a younger girlfriend.
  1. Stop worrying about your holey underwear…nobody’s going to look at your butt anyway.
  1. You don’t drive too bad…for a woman.
  1. Does your mother have these humongous teary fits too over nothing?
  1. I assume you got hired because no man applied?
  1. Do you think you could get a raise if you slept with your boss? I need a new truck…
  1. You’re doing a lot of complaining just for being pregnant.
  1. Why are you tired? The kids take a nap, don’t they?
  1. I bet you’d just love for me to get you a naughty hooker outfit for your birthday…right?
  1. You sure are angry. I bet what you need is to be tied up and spanked!
  1. We’d get along better if you’d just try anal sex a few times…
  1. You’re lucky to have a guy like me…
  1. Your sister’s pretty hot…too bad I met you first…
  1. Of course I like your friends…I’d sleep with any of them!
  1. My dog does too like your cat…he’d eat him in a minute!
  1. Of course I didn’t throw out anything important…just that old stuff your grandmother brought over…
  1. If you aren’t in the mood, I’ll find someone who is!
  1. You’re lucky we’re in America. In the third world, your father wouldn’t even have been able to get a single goat for you…
  1. I’m waiting for you to apologize…
  1. You don’t want to know what it cost…we can pay the car payment next month…
  1. But I needed it!
  1. You can’t call buying tools wasteful!
  1. Your kids are fighting again…
  1. A fancy dinner? Well, none of your relatives qualify for that!
  1. I feel sorry for your dad. You did say you learned to cook from your mom, didn’t you?
  1. Shopping for clothes again? Why? There’s only so many ways to dress a pig…
  1. Well, it was only your third cousin. Be glad I didn’t sleep with your sister…or mom.
  1.  How’d your dad survive both you and your mother acting all whiney and mad constantly?
  1. Is our daughter doomed to grow up and act like you?
  1. I wouldn’t treat you like you’re stupid if you didn’t act stupid!
  1. Why can’t you act more like one of they guys…except in bed.
  1. Happy anniversary! I got you tickets to the stadium for a whole year!
  1. Why do you have to cry like a girl all the time?
  1. I’d stare at your ass if you’d get it in better shape!
  1. Every time I give you money, you just spend it!
  1. You like your sex toys better than me, don’t you?
  1. You should exercise, but I guess you’re too fat?
  1. Your girlfriends all hate men, don’t they?
  1. You call that fashion?
  1. It doesn’t make your butt look huge…your butt is huge!
  1. Your mother taught you to lie, didn’t she?
  1. I’d fire you if I wasn’t sleeping with you.
  1. Have you ever told the truth, even once?
  1. If you want to be paid like a high priced escort, you’ll have to act like one.
  1. Your girlfriends wouldn’t suck so badly if I could sleep with them once in a awhile.
  1. I lost at poker; you have to sleep with Fred.
  1. I wouldn’t lie if you didn’t have such a fit when I tell you the truth!
  1. Instead of a divorce, how about we just trade with another couple…permanently?
  1. How’d you learn all those kinky things if you were, “inexperienced” when we met?
  1. You’d rather spend time with the girls than me, wouldn’t you?
  1. Are you teaching the daughter to be a wicked, bitchy liar, or is that just how girls are?
  1. Holy God! Is that why you want to have sex with the lights off?!
  1. You’re exactly like your mother! I’m gonna end up as sad and bitter as you dad is, aren’t I?
  1. I’ve got some friends willing to pay to sleep with you, and you can have half the money…
  1. Why should I change diapers? You wanted to be a mother!
  1. If you’re too busy for sex, I can probably find someone else…
  1. I’d be okay with you being a hooker, if I can have part of the money.
  1. Give me one good reason why you’d say no to sex when I’m drunk!
  1. I’d let you sleep with my friends, if I could sleep with yours.
  1. I may not be much, but who else is willing to sleep with you?
  1. If you didn’t marry me for my money or looks, why did you marry me?
  1. If you can buy me tools for a present, why can’t I buy you small appliances?
  1. Why do you always suggest seeing a counselor? If I won’t listen to you for free, why would I pay to listen to someone else?
  1. Why does your mother criticize me, especially seeing what she married?
  1. Why should I care what your relatives think of me? Do they want to sleep with me, since you won’t?
  1. Of course I’m not afraid you’ll cheat on me. You haven’t got enough money to pay someone for that.
  1. You’re turning the kids into whiney cry babies. Should I paddle them or you?
  1. If you want me to get emotional, you’ll need to get a lot kinkier than you have so far.
  1. I’m liking your cat more these days. At least it’s one kitty that’s eager to be petted.
  1. I don’t think you’re stupid, just not as smart as me.
  1. Being eager and sexy wasn’t the only thing you lied about, was it?
  1. If you’re so smart, why did you marry me?
  1. Well sure, we can hire a maid, as long as I can sleep with her once in a while.
  1. Of course we can divide the chores equally. I’ll do the manly things, and you can do the foo-foo stuff in the house.
  1. Did you really only sleep with two guys before you met me?
  1. Am I the best lover you’ve ever had? Be honest.
  1. Don’t sleep with my friends! I’d have to divorce you, not them. Friends are hard to come by.

97. You sure like to be with your friends. Are they lesbians or what?