Ever wonder what your furry pet is really thinking? Frankly, you’d be wise to not go there. Here’s a few possibilities from someone with four of the twenty pound turd generators.

Things Your Cat is Probably Thinking

1. You aren’t over feeding me! Diets are for people!
2. If my litter pan offends you, CLEAN it more often!
3. I’d purr more if you’d bow and prostrate yourself more.
4. You aren’t bright enough to understand me, are you?
5. Of course I act snotty and ignore you…that’s how royalty always treats peons!
6. I use the furniture as a scratching post to protest your poor taste in furnishings!
7. I have no idea why the dog ran under the bus. I don’t care about the rumors, and will continue to deny any knowledge.
8. Before you complain about the “reminder turd” on your bed, perhaps you should check the litter box?
9. The mice are part of the eco system in the house. Eating them would be so un-green!
10. Don’t ask what I do in the house at night, and I won’t ask what you two do in the bedroom.
11. Giving me treats won’t make me like you more, but it might make me dislike you less.
12. You got a DOG?! What sort of faithless whore am I living with?
13. Look, some cat long ago declared granny’s old rug to be a kitty urinal. I’m just following historical precedence.
14. Don’t be shocked if the new puppy has an accident, or commits suicide.
15. You give me food, I give you turds and hairballs; complain to God, it’s His system!
16. If you wanted a pet to do tricks, to be warm and grateful, to come running when you get home, you’d have gotten a DOG wouldn’t you?
17. I imagine you’d lay around too if someone went snip, snip on your special parts, wouldn’t you, Einstein?
18. Do I look like a dog? Smell like a dog? Act like a dog? Then tell me genius, why are you treating me like a dog? (I got a slow one, for an owner, didn’t I?)
19. Here, kitty, kitty! Does that work when you want attention from your wife’s kitty? Then you shouldn’t be disappointed when I don’t leap up either!
20. Stop acting hyper and spastic! Lie down and relax, maybe take a nice nap. If you don’t, someone likely will take you in for a bit of snip, snip, like you did me? Yes, I’ll find that amusing!
21. If you were smaller, I’d hunt your butt too! Of course, I would never eat anything that smells as bad as you do…
22. You’re offended to see me licking my butt? At least it’s clean! You’d be well advised to polish your own with your tongue, considering how bad you are at using toilet paper, Miss Manners!
23. Well sure we go crazy for cat nip. Living with you sucks, and any drug helps pass the time.
24. Don’t you dare say a word about the crap in my litter pan, after that cosmic dump you took last night! If your nose wasn’t so lousy you’d know what I mean!
25. I don’t dream about catching mice, numb nuts. I’m dreaming about still having my nads, and having a harem of kitty love slaves in heat!
26. I purr, therefore I am. I don’t see a need for anymore justification than that. Feed me. Now.
27. You’re certainly no rocket scientist. You buy cheap, no-name cat food at Big Lots, and are shocked at the nasty turds I produce? Funny.
28. I was going to escape and run away today, but either got hungry, or had to poop, and didn’t see either a food bowl or litter pan outside. Better luck tomorrow. Its nap time.
29. I don’t recognize personal property. That either makes me a commie or a hippie, and honestly I don’t care. I guess you’re a greedy capitalist? Too bad.
30. If I can get your dinner off the table, and under the couch, I’ve staked my claim. You lose!
31. Some of you people act pretty indignant over my farts. That’s really ironic, considering some of the ones you let slip, when you think no one can notice!
32. How hard is it to understand that making a sudden move, with a cat sleeping on your lap, won’t end well?
33. Why would I use my claws to climb your leg? Tell me genius, where’s the escalator?
34. You think screaming while I’m taking a nap is funny? I can’t wait to see you laugh when you find that nice turd on your pillow, Mr. Jester.
35. I didn’t eat off your plate, just tongued everything good to see if it was worth a fight. It wasn’t, so you got to eat it. Bon Appetite!
36. Of course I hopped on you two when you were almost naked. There’s only one kitty getting petted here if I have anything to say! Besides, I purr better.
37. We’d get along better if you understood your place better. I’m royal, and you’re a peon. You feed me, pet me on command, and keep the litter box tidy. In exchange, I don’t claw you in a tender place, or crap on your bed. At least not too often.
38. I must have lived one wild, wicked life last time, to end up in this purgatory, with a village idiot like you for an owner!
39. Your bacon? What bacon? Don’t expect me to keep up with your food. I was busy licking my butt…more or less. Burp.
40. Please! The dog died of old age! That’s right, some breeds are old by the second year. You didn’t know that? Obviously I am smarter than you!
41. Your girlfriend is a lot nicer than you. Smells better too. If you break up, I’m going with her! Loser!
42. When hell freezes over? You did ask when I’d like a bath, didn’t you?
43. Of course I hate the vet! You wouldn’t drop your pants so readily for someone in a white coat if they’d snipped off your family jewels, would you?

Jack