Celebrity Terms of Endearment

Oh sure, I do pay some attention to celebrities. As a writer, satirist, and humorist, they are an invaluable resource if nothing else! However, they mostly annoy me, especially with their snotty condescension and utter stupidity.  I started playing around with terms one day, and came up with all of these. I think they’re wickedly on the mark, so I decided to toss them out for your enjoyment!

Jack 

• Celebucide: When a well known celebrity kills themselves with drugs, booze or reckless behavior.
• Celebutide: A suddenly appearing group of new celebrities all spawned by some new movie or reality show.
• Celebutard: A celebrity that is exceptionally dumb by even normal celebrity standards.
• Celebutude: The snotty and pervasive attitude of entitlement exhibited by most celebrities.
• Celebutwit: The empty headed celebrity, (usually female), who has absolutely no clue about the world, and how it works. Frequently giggles.
• Celebuverse: The artificial world celebrities like to live in, where they are smart, talented, adored and indispensible; mostly a short lived dream state.
• Celebuenvironmentalism: Any false and hypocritical display of  concern for the environment, while squandering enormous amounts of energy and resources living large;  See Al Gore.
• Celebrity Atonement: Making free PSAs or appearances at charity events after the latest arrest or scandal. Always self-serving, never sincere.
• Celebrity Business Opportunity: Any investment, product or franchise promoted by a celebrity. Most are a rip off.
• Celebrity Chariot: Either a very expensive, or very rare auto driven by a celebrity; may also be a restored vintage car. Never acceptable: anything cheap or domestic. Electric hippie cars are now in.
• Celebrity Confession: The public admission of their illegal, immoral or stupid activities after everyone else already knows. Often involves weeping, insincere vows to enter rehab or to be a more sensitive spouse, parent, citizen or human. Seldom honest or meaningful.
• Celebrity Creep: Slow erosion of A-list status, causing celebs to be passed over for invites, and ultimately ignored by the paparazzi.
• Celebrity Desperation: Can result from celebrity creep. Causes celebs to do more and more outrageous stunts to get noticed; often ends tragically in Celebucide.
• Celebrity Divestment: The process of shedding a spouse or lover in Hollywood. Always difficult and expensive, especially with no pre-nup.
• Celebrity Eruption: The sudden explosive outburst, which always involves vulgarities and sometimes racist, bigoted or homophobic vitriol, and which is directed at the media, police, or Hollywood executives; See Charlie Sheen or Mel Gibson.
• Celebrity Fashion Catastrophe: The horrid and inappropriate clothing choices often made by female celebrities trying to dress themselves.  Causes inclusion in OMG: What Were They Thinking?
• Celebrity Fire Sale: What an over-extended celebrity holds when they’ve over-estimated their actually cash flow; may include real estate, cars, overpriced memorabilia. Often triggered by demands of ex-spouse. See Nick Cage
• Celebrity Genuflection: The false and patronizing bowing done by celebrities at awards presentation, where they “thank” all the people they hate and would like to drive their celeb Chariot over.
• Celebrity Hooker: Selling sex tapes, flashing ones bare behind or beaver to get attention; aka Paris Hilton and Brittany Spears.
• Celebrity Huckster: A Hollywood agent.
• Celebrity  Insecurity: The feeling that everyone is smarter and more talented than you. Usually correct.
• Celebrity I Q Scale: Recalibrated scale that has a normal IQ of twenty being one hundred on the celebrity scale so their poor feelings don’t get bruised.
• Celebrity Junk Yard: Where most celebrities go as they enter terminal celebrity creep. It is a place filled with infomercials and ads for Preparation H, or a tour of high school gyms.
• Celebrity Hovel: Any celebrity home worth less than one million dollars.
• Celebrity Mating Ritual: May involve all manner of sex, public or private. Key indicator is signing of pre-nuptial agreement, usually before nesting; marriage license optional.
•  Celebrity Meditation: Often occurs when a celeb reflects and looks inward, seeking a better way to be even more popular and famous without doing anything worthy of adoration.
• Celebrity Merger: The marriage of two a-list celebrities. Requires pre-nup, four attorneys and agents from both sides to handle negotiations.
• Celebrity On Ice: Celebrity in jail or prison, learning that they are not as rich or important as they thought.
• Celebrity Palace: Home worth at least five million dollars that has a minimum of six toilets, theater, pool, parking for at least five celebrity chariots and requires a staff  of three or more to operate.
• Celebrity Self Promotion: Showing up un-invited to events in the hope of being noticed and photographed.
• Celebrity Sanctuary: Exotic locale where a celeb goes to “get in touch with” their creative selves, attempts to find some talent, or hides out to avoid extradition: See Roman Polanski.
• Celebrity Snakeoil Salesman: Any celebrity appearing in a commercial, especially an info-mercial, to sell something. Timeshares, Scientology, magic stain removers, their own brand of anything, all qualify them.
• Accidental Celebrity: Usually comes from falling down stairs, or getting hurt in spectacular fashion, and ending up on U-tube.
• Alleged Celebrity: What agents claim a celebrity has when they are showing absolutely no sign of talent. Most of Hollywood runs on this.
• Desperate Celebrity Appearance: When a former A-lister shows up at a car wash opening to sign autographs
• Housebroken Celebrity: One that has grown up enough not to ride motorcycles through a guest house, or to have sex with a studio head’s under aged offspring.
• Insignificant Celebrity: One that does not get mentioned in the tabloids at least three times per year.
• Insignificant Celebucide: What happens when a wanna-be celebrity kills themselves, and everyone goes, “Who?”
• Meaningless Celebrity Announcement: Unlike news conferences held to announce changes in marital, parole or employment status, these are ones held to announce a change of underwear style, body wash, dental floss, favorite beverage, etc. in a crass effort to generate more exposure and publicity.
• Minimum Celebrity: The least amount of celebrity status needed to get a naked picture of  one’s body parts published by the tabloids.
• Pioneering Celebrity: A person who becomes a celebrity by doing something completely unassociated with normal celebrity; See Joe the Plumber or   Amy Chua, the  tiger mother.
• Political Celebrity: The endorsing of a candidate or cause, usually one that is a crank, crackpot or fringe lunatic.
• Resurrected Celebrity: The rare and unexpected revival of a celebrity who has succumbed to celebrity creep: See Betty White.
• Self Aggrandizing Celebrity: Pompous and self promoting celebrity; all.
• Self-extinguishing Celebrity: Celebrity who manages to completely wipe out an established career by utter foolishness;  Think Charlie Sheen or Mel Gibson.
• Spontaneous Celebrity: Getting filmed doing something stupid and getting a million hits on U-Tube, followed by a TV offer.
• Unearned Celebrity: Having your sex tape accidentally posted on the web.